As I walk through the day, I am very concious of every single move I make... I feel the water of the shower head flow from my head, down my legs and through my toes. I feel every strand of hair as I watch it to make sure it squeaks clean.
There is a very clear precipice I must not fall over, and I feel blind as I walk along its edge in my mind. The tears are waiting and pooling in my head, I know it. It's like the opposite of the happy pain of let down when a woman's breasts are swollen and tingling with wanting to feed the child. You can feel it about to flow... but it's in pain of sadness and fear. Choke it back.
I ate out of necessity yesterday. Not out of hunger. I do not take for granted the fact that I have never truly suffered. I have never gone hungry or cold, never gone without shoes and nice clothes, never without space and air, never felt the true abandonment and pain of loss. I feel so blessed in life. I have been far from suffering, so maybe that is why I fear it so much. I fear it for anyone in my family, or any of my friends... the pain of suffering in any capacity. I could not even stand to watch or hear about the suffering of those children in the #KONY2012 viral video... I ache for them and feel both guilty and blessed that I never have been through anything the way those children have. I hug my daughter and smell her hair and count her ten tiny "thingers" over and over and thank God and all the good energy in the world that she is happy and safe and never hungry or hurt.
But she is at school right now. And I am alone. and I feel a grumble in the pit of my stomach, and out of selfishness I am not going to eat right now... but I will. Later.