Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Our luck...

When life seems to be going too well, you get a curveball... you get a kick to the shins, you get a load of sour grapes, you get something so insanely ridiculous happening that you wind up wanting to simultaneously cry hysterically and run to the bathroom to shit your fears away. 
It happens and makes you regret the day previous.  The day that you made miserable all for what? Just being in a foul mood?  A foul mood about what?  He was in a weird mood, so you have to be in a weird mood, and although you know that makes everything worse, you do it anyways, out of stupid and prideful spite.  You talk bullshit and complain.  You let your back ache and stomach ache keep you from kissing and cuddling and making love, when that is all he ever wants to do... and all you ever want to do is kiss goodnight and go to sleep. 
You pray and weep in the corner, and while doing the dishes, and popping a bag of popcorn.  You start taking pictures of the moments in life that don't seem to matter, but they do to him, because he doesn't get to see it and take it for granted the way you do... your daughter dressing her babydoll, the dog being silly and keeping guard at the window. 
Your nightmares and deepest fears seem more realistic, yet you know that there are people who have it way worse... so you feel guilty and sad and sad and then guilty again... and then you pray more, feeling guilty like you only pray when you need something... and feel like you need to make it to the toilet in time.  And all the while do not let the little one realize what is happening... she doesn't need to suffer inside like you are...

There is hope, right?  It changed before... maybe it can change again?  Or maybe this is just the way it's all supposed to go.  Maybe your three lives together have lead up to this experience... have lead up to this moment of fear and misery and loneliness.  That doesn't make it wanted or acceptable.  the hysterics will reign supreme and cause turmoil within. 
Calmness on the outside, and turmoil underneath... and waiting and hoping for a new phone call... an April Fools kind of phone call...
I know I am not weak.  I know I can handle this... because I have to.  But right now, I think I am going to cry.

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