Sunday, June 17, 2012

Here and now

Fuck, I can't even count.
I think it is the end of six weeks... which is nowhere near the end of twenty-something weeks in total that we need to go.
Let's be honest here about how much it has sucked so far, and let's be honest about how I have no idea how the fuck we are going to make it through this... the only light at the end of the tunnel is that we will be TOGETHER... the way we are meant to be.

It honestly wasn't so bad the first couple weeks... been busy with school, Aveline, family, shopping, cleaning, fixing shit around the house... don't stop moving and you won't have time to think about it... trips with the family have been fun to Six flags and Tahoe and we will be going to the beach near Monterey and Santa Cruz soon.  I watched tv, read the Shades of Grey series, joined a book club, hosted a blogger clothing swap, signed Avii up for swim lessons, Vacation Bible School AND cheerleading... it's only been six weeks! fuck. 

I am not scared to sleep alone... I actually prefer it most days, compared to getting kicked in the back or socked in the face by Aveline in the middle of the night.  Don't leave the blinds open though... the darkness outside is terrifying.  I wish I could sleep with the windows open some nights, but I can't bring myself to.

School is making me miserable, but the thought of having a gaddamn Bachelor's degree in something keeps me going.  Seeing family every day has been helpful and better than I thought it could be.  Some days I want to be alone and curl up in a ball and cry, but I can't do that if I am with them, so it's good, right? 

What I am having a hard time with, and this is going to sound completely bitchy is the "how are you doing?" head tilt?  remember that episode with Tom Selleck and Courtney Cox on "Friends" where Monica asks Richard about his divorce and he talks about how people give him the sympathy head tilt ...  I totally give the I'm okay head bob, because I am!  Jorden is alive and well and simply thousands of miles away from me in war-torn country, doing what he has to do so that Aveline and I can have a good life.  I can do this... lots of other wives do it, and I think I am stronger and more confident in myself than a lot of people, PLUS I have the added benefit of having to stay strong for the kiddo.

The last week or so I have been getting flashbacks of when we found out he was leaving... I remember my mouth going dry, my tongue tasting like I licked a piece of cardboard.  We were at a fast food restaurant getting a snack after shopping or going to the movies or something, I don't remember what... my hands felt detached from me... balloon hands or something... somehow floating up over and over to fork chili fries into my disgusting-tasting mouth... maybe if I keep eating I won't get sick and I won't burst into tears.  Where do we go from here?

Well, we figured out that he was going. Then he did go.  And I am left here.  And things suck.  But I am ok. Insert head bob.  

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