111 Days 11.11 Page One

Some of the best stories are not told from the beginning.
As of today I am 111 days sober and this means more to me than a lot of numbers or days.

But, I have realized in the past 110 days that there are questions as to the why/when/how of it all? On the outside I seemed like I had it together and unless you were around me at some parties you probably would not have thought that i had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I love writing and I loved blogging, so I want to take it back to the beginning...

It began with me wanting to feel different. It began with me realizing, without even being fully awake… it was like my brain was guiding me bit by bit… pointing my eyes to the mirror showing me my current self. And I questioned, with fear in my eyes and in my heart, who was it that I was seeing looking back at me?

I saw someone who was not at rock bottom, but someone who was heading that way with the on-ramp not far behind.  I have a great career, only destined to become greater. I have an amazing daughter who is top of the heap and growing into an incredible young woman. I have the handsome husband who loves and cares for me so much, that works hard to make all of my dreams come true and supports all of my goals big and small. And I was ruining it. I was ruining it and dulling the shine of every day I was given.

How did I get to that point?  How did I become such a shallow and self-destructive, shell of a person?

I can say with full disclosure that I do not look back on my entire drinking life with disdain. I did have some great times and great memories and experiences that I may not have had if I didn’t drink.  I cannot question if whether or not I maintained an attitude of only drinking champagne at Moët & Chandon in Reims, the Champagne region of France, or only drinking Guinness and Jameson in Dublin, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten to where I got to. I did though. I let a substance, which is highly toxic and super chemically addictive, into my daily life and cause damage.

With that, I have started to pinpoint the areas that started my problem-drinking… that lead me into the Gray Area, as Jolene Park has called it.  I was a stay at home mom for a long time. Life was great, but in all honesty it was mundane at times. I bought into the idea of glamour and sophistication that is sold with wine. It is revered and it comes with an artistic experience and an air of snootiness that is often right up my egotistical, "pinkies-up" alley.  If you truly know me, you know I am a prideful ass that thinks I know so much about everything and I make all things that are fancy and sophisticated things that I need to know and experience.  I loved wine and then champagne and then the fancy bourbons and whiskeys… I was not so fancy-pants once I regularly started drinking gulps of vodka straight from the bottle before doing anything after I got home from work, though.

 

Back to stay-at-home-glamour-mom life… I became comfortable drinking alone because my husband doesn’t drink anyway, so if I wanted to drink at all, more often than not it was while I was alone.  Kid would get put to bed, I would have a glass of wine whilst I did some writing, blogging, tv watching, etc.  Anywhere we went out and about on days off, I would take the opportunity to sample the libations and add them to my mental list of “been there, drank that” and I prided myself on that list.

 

Moving back to California, I had my original social circle back and all the comforts and conveniences and additional consumerism that comes with America.  More reasons to party, drink, glasses of wine.  About 2 years in after I wrapped up , I got a job for the first time in about 6 years.  Stress came with working and being a mom and having a new house and a dog and the pressures of having to be an active extended family member.  It just became a thing to have wine after work with dinner to "wind down and relax."  This was normal, wasn't it? 

I am a bit fuzzy as to when it was that I became so much more dependent on the liquor… the Costco vodka and whiskey… More frequent parties and dinners… more drinking in excess.  Weekends started to include more hangovers. 

I tend to keep track of things in patterns and frequencies. I would try to mentally keep track of how often it was that I was drinking… and then soon I was trying to keep track of the days, even a single day, that I would not have a drink of alcohol. That was becoming tougher by the week and then almost non-existent.

And I was doing things I promised myself I would never do, such as hiding my drinking with flasks or in my room.  I started fibbing about how many I had or how much I was drinking. I spiked my drinks on my days off to take around with me. My teetotal husband never let me drive anyways, so why not, right? That glass of wine with dinner on the weekdays turned into 3 or 4 glasses before bed. On the weekends it was mimosa or screwdriver breakfast, craft beers with lunch, more wine or cocktails with dinner or in lieu of dessert.

I have spent so much money on alcohol, I am aghast to even fathom that receipt in the last 5 years. I drank without thinking. I drank because I could. I drank because I made alcohol present in most moments of my life.

I pretty much only had one major function that I would not drink at or before and that was work. But that isn’t to say that there have been hung-over days I suffered through and did not give my best effort.

It was Just. Too. Much. and All. The. Time. 

I stopped doing things that I liked to do… like writing and photography and crafting.  I scraped and scrimped by with my friendships and relationships.  I humiliated myself and had the worst hangover depression you could ever imagine. I saw disappointment in the eyes of my husband.  I didn’t feel safe because I would have black-out moments more and more frequently. I let myself be disrespected also… because it is easier to do to the drunk girl.

I know I have anxiety. I know I have depression. I know I have insecurities and a list of fears… Why was I doing something that dulled me, numbed me, and fed my anxiety and fears?

So, Fourth of July, I effectively got wasted and humiliated myself in front of new guests at our home. I hardly remember the fireworks and the fire pit and s’mores.  I hardly remember saying goodbyes to majority of the guests. I stumbled into the house and did a bad job of trying to either help clean or have a snack, I don’t clearly recall. I managed to make a mess by knocking the bowl of chips off the counter and the proceeded to eat spilled chips off of the floor… in front of my daughter.  If that’s a rock bottom evening, then I am going to claim that one. Even thinking about it I feel ill and cringe-y and shamed.

The next day was awful, as was to be expected. I wanted to die. I was dying. I was corroding, eroding. The cliff-sides of my heart and soul were avalanching away… and alcohol was the rain that was doing it.

I did not take my last drink of alcohol until July 22.  It was the morning of July 23 I woke up and faced myself in the mirror and asked myself out loud “What the fuck are you doing? Who the fuck are you anymore? Why are you doing this?”  And then I took a selfie of my swollen face and red eyes to remember this stranger… this changeling self I had become through such time and wasted effort.

The changeling on the right... July 23. Left is September 1.

And I didn’t cry, even though I wanted to.  I didn’t die, even though I wanted to.

That next day was hard. And I was in a lot of pain. I was heart-sick and my head was spinning depression with thoughts of desperation. 

I knew I needed help.  I knew I needed to stop immediately. There was no wiggle room or negotiation on this.  I also knew this wasn’t going to work if I did not plan effectively and gather tools and resources.  I pride myself on being smart and resourceful.

I googled and searched sobriety online and immediately I found Hip Sobriety… through Pinterest actually!  And it was HipSobriety and Holly Whitaker’s words that provided me the pick and shovel to dig myself out of my hole and start the true process of healing and rebuilding myself.

I read everything I could on her website, I was thoroughly inspired by it all.  I ordered a book that she recommended called“This Naked Mind. Control Alcohol” by Annie Grace.  I immediately emailed my doctor and booked an appointment for 7:15 am to discuss my detox and get a full blood panel and assess any health damage I may have done as well as prepare for any detox pains or struggles.  I downloaded a sober progress app on my phone to track my days and milestones and it also would send me daily mantras.  I purchased the 40 day mantras and the webinar on cravings from Hip Sobriety, and then I purchased another webinar and set of mantras to follow that (I want no lapses in my knowledge feed). I watched TEDx Talks and found Jolene Park and learned about recovering as a gray area drinker and the importance of balancing your biology and chemicals through nutrition. I ordered a huge set of essential oils. I learned breathing techniques for anxiety and frustration.  I had my husband remove all open liquor bottles and pour out any open wine we may have had.  I went to the natural food store and bought good vitamins. I resorted back to my stricter vegetarian diet and went heavy on leafy greens. I bought a shopping cart full of different fizzy waters (favorite is Topo Chico!), teas and coffee.  I cleaned and organized my office so I could have a functional meditation space. I started to journal all of my thoughts and feelings as much as I could to vent and reflect (thousands of words on paper have flown through and out of me).  I looked up sober celebrities and influencers and read their stories. I started following sober warriors and sober beauties on Instagram and read all of their stories over and over. I bought and started using beautiful bath and skincare products to make myself feel beautiful again.  I bought new music and latched on to songs that evoked feelings and thoughts of strength and self-love. I started taking more selfies to check myself (and make sure the   was not returning).  I woke up early and meditated every day as if I would starve to death if I didn’t.

I threw everything in me into this effort. I did not want to fail, as failure was a non-option. I did not want to be in pain from alcohol anymore. At the same time, in what I read, detoxing could be painful and could also be a deterrent to recovery, so I was doing everything I could to set myself up for success.  And I knew in my core I would only be successful if I treated my mind, body and soul.  I knew that if I didn’t, my road would lead to my death… either fast or slow, I would die. I want to be alive and I want to live the best version of this life that I can.  

I did all of this within the first five minutes, two days, first week… for about 40 days I did all of this with the strongest dedication and consistency I have ever mustered.  I did it all fairly quietly too. Until I started sharing on my Instagram, my journey was only known to those closest to me.  I don’t have shame about what I am going through… in fact I feel the opposite… I am done feeling the shame of the drinker I was… I just don’t know really yet how or who I need to connect with on this journey. (I am not trying to isolate myself in my recovery, is what I am trying to say on that point.)

I still had to do all of the things we, as adults and functioning members of society do. I still went to work, took care of my home life, met up with friends and family. I was just now doing it all better and much more clear-minded. I was remembering everything. I was accountable and reliable and I made it through weekends in full.  I made it through things that I would have normally been sloshed at.

As of today, 11.11, I am at 111 days without alcohol. I have been learning so much about myself.  I am still learning.  I take pride in sharing my journey because it is something I am deeply proud of. I also feel like sharing success stories is what can help others, so I plan on continuing to do so.  This kind of feels like a birthday to me.  I have had people ask me why and how… I wanted to share my origin story, so thank you for reading if you have.

I have so much more to say and to share and it all comes from a place of love and hope in my heart and soul. I do not aim to preach, nor do I judge anyone that does drink. I share because I want people to be inspired by me, not feel sorry for me. This is my authentic truth, for you to know a piece of me.